Companionship

I'm anxiously awaiting Jon's arrival home from work.  I almost always look forward to seeing him, but sometimes I NEED him to come home and hold me while I sob.  He truly is my knight in shining armor.  It's unbelievably common for RAD to cause big marriage problems.  There are numerous reasons, for sure.  But there's one that's interesting which is that a lot of RAD kids show most of their RAD behaviors to their Moms only.  They put on a big fat act for their Dads and keep their anger for their Moms.  Most RAD anger is for Moms.

I believe that's because at the heart of RAD is a hurt child, a fetus, an infant, a toddler.  No matter how progressive we become in this world it will always be the case that a child begins as part of their Mom.  Which means it lies at the very first cell of who we become that our Mothers will provide for us, care for us, rock us, love us, nurture us, protect us, sympathize for us and empathize with us, fight for us, and flight with us.  We "are" our Moms.  So when something traumatic happens to a child (that plays a part in the future of RAD) it is beyond their control that they believe it's because their Mom screwed them over.  Their Mom didn't provide, care, rock, love, nurture, protect, sympathize and empathize, fight for, or fly with.  Their Mom failed them.  And the only reason is because THEY aren't worthy of their Mom's said duties.  Or, well, that's what is ingrained in them anyway.

Fortunately(????) for Jon and I a portion of Zane's experiences was his dad (I use lower-case this time, cause this guy lost the privilege of the upper-case, but like my own mom) disappearing.  This is fortunate only because Zane doesn't really hide any of his behaviors from Jon.  He's just as insecure with a Dad's love as he is with a Mom's.  Why does this matter?  Well, because this is a very lonely life.  That doesn't even begin to sum it up.  Zane occasionally acts out in front of others, indeed.  But, he doesn't bring out his RAD behaviors.  He saves those for us.  Cause we're the ones he wants to trust so badly.  But, because he doesn't hide this from Jon I do have a partner here.  Someone who really understands what it's like.  Adequately expressed here, we need others that we can speak with and who get us.  This little community I've found online isn't much, but it is growing as I get to read other blogs and "meet" other people.  But, it's nothing like having someone come home and know what you mean when you say what you've experienced.

That's why I'm looking so forward to ORLANDO!!!  This was a big decision for me to make.  It's a super financial commitment that I'm still not quite sure how we'll pay for, but thanks to some absolutely beautiful and wonderful readers, I've been awarded a scholarship for my room and board and meals.  Which means I have to get there and back, that's it!  I don't drink so I don't have to find alcohol money and as much as some time in the spa sounds great that's just not on my plate right now.

I'm a little nervous about probably being the only biological RAD Mom there but I also look forward to sharing information and experiences with everyone.  I'm not even sure if I'll pack real clothes.  I *might* just hang out in pajama-esque pants the whole time.  I might not even brush my hair.  I told Jon the other night while discussing my concern that I look forward to being with other Moms who know what revenge pee is.  :-)  Cause I really do.  I look forward to not feeling alone for a few days.  I look forward to meeting other Moms who probably spend a lot of time crying until their whole face is swollen as well.  I look forward to meeting others who know the turbulence of our life.

Until then, though, I'll be seeking out some support in my physical life.  I've been on the search for attachment therapists who are covered by our insurance and so far, no luck.  There's even a RAD specialist RIGHT HERE in our town.  But, nope...  Not covered.  I'll be calling tomorrow to see if he makes arrangements for families who aren't covered.  I feel like things have been escalating here and that we could do some powerful healing with all of this, but as much as I've learned I still feel like I don't know diddly.  It's funny...  We've spent 4 years in therapy with Zane and because we weren't treating the right cause we've made no progress.  Now we know.  We actually know.  And, it just so happens to be a non-covered illness because it's not life-threatening.  Bologna!  I'm completely against this Obamacare thing, because I think it was poorly created, but I'm 100% for legitimate Universal Healthcare for this very reason.  When someone needs care and there is a provider who can help access should be granted to that help.  And, I get it... we can pay out of pocket, certainly.  But... healthcare's not set up that way, so it's really an unfair argument.

I digress...  What I mean is that I've got to get more community here that understands us and our lives.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends, indeed.  But I don't have anyone I can call and say, "Come spend the day with us, please.  We need the company."  And that's what I'm looking for.  For all of us.  Jon's in need, too.  Of a RAD Dad.  I haven't found any.  Maybe I should go looking....  And then he can come home and hold me and hear me and understand me.