It's been real, as I say. :-) 10 years since everyone was convinced the numbers wouldn't switch over on computers and thus would begin the spontaneous combustion of all living things on planet earth. I'm willing to bet people still have bottles of water from 1999.
In ten years, I've graduated from high school, road tripped across the country, had my car stolen, found a whole new way of living, got my stolen car back, got knocked up, graduated massage school, found yoga, drank too much, went on a self-discovering binge, moved to colorado, fell madly in love, broke a couple hearts, kicked ass in a "real" job, stopped drinking, had a baby, stopped working, started home schooling.
Those are just the big highlights. Fortunate me. I've spent most of these past ten years with Zane, who has helped me grow up, pretty much at the same rate as him. Fortunate him.
The past year, alone, has brought wonderful things my way. I've done a lot of healing on my heart and that's been a little tiring, but I like it! I've learned to cook better than ever before. Learned more about food than ever before. I've started the back-end work on a business. I've worked on a PTA and got nominated for a board position, which I turned down. I've forgiven people and decided to not forgive others. I've carried guilt and I've released habits. I've "met" Moms all over the country online who I adore and who teach me more than my Mom did. I thanked the Moms from my childhood and adolescence. I quit breastfeeding. Forever. I shared my views. I worked on empathy and communication with others. I managed a budget. I did not manage my relationship with food. I quit drinking coke. I learned to ski-ish.
Lots and lots of things. A good year, it has been.
I asked Zane what were his favorite things of 2010 and he wrote a list. IT is on paper, but I'll put it here for you. I was surprised at what he put. I thought there would be big, monumental things. But, I love his everyday sense of simplicity. It is as follows: fun, snow, rain, sun, toys, legos, cars, figures, toy station, mcdonald's, walmart, illinois, science center
<3<3
I asked Stori the same question and she said: Happy Birthday. I said, "anything else?" She said: Happy Birthday. Seeing as this has been the theme for a couple of weeks now, I find it fitting. She learned the joy of birthday and she learned to sing Happy Birthday. I say that fits. :-)
I'm off now, to play with my kids and enjoy some shrimp that didn't come from China! :-D
I hope all the best for us, and you, in 2011. Here's getting off to a good start!!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Hyperparenting Success
I read this a few days ago and was just giddy with excitement while reading. Why? Because we've been working our tails off on being more loving and less controlling over the last couple of years. And we never saw a post like this ahead of time. And I felt PROUD. After posting it for my friends to see on Facebook, I realized that this is cause for celebration. Jon and I have rocked it. We still have lots more to go, but we've done great in recreating our parenting and our kids' lives.
So, I decided I'd come here and put it down on "blogger paper" what we've done. No need to wait anymore, I'll go right along with the aspects of that article that we've succeeded on.
1. When you get angry, pick them up and hug them.
I used to yell a LOT when I was angry at Zane. I really got tired of hearing my own voice so I started on this habit. I still yell and am not done with this, but I'm better than ever. Often when I am angry and I want to yell I'll whisper instead. Or, I'll sing some ridiculous song. Or, I'll do a dance. Or, if I'm just THAT angry I'll walk away. When I'm angry at Stori and I begin to lash out I see it right away and I do pick her up and hug her or hold her. When I see it in Zane I either hug him or do something goofy with him.
Through doing this I've realized that most of the time I'm angry at them because they want something different than me and ::stomps foot:: I want it MY way, damnit! Should I really yell at my kids because I'm not getting things my way? Um, no. Glad to be stopping this one and so proud of the steps I've taken thus far. I won't stop until it is my nature to hug, love, and listen rather than yell.
2. Make this your mantra: treat them with kindness; treat them with respect.
Sometimes we really like to indulge in a Hot & Ready from Little Caesars. It's cheap and easy and yummy in that gross-yummy way. We always get Pepperoni because we figure if it's the same price then get the one with the most flavor and extra topping. Zane always wants cheese. We always tell him he can pick the pepperonis off and then he'll have cheese. He always tells us it's not the same. He always accepts our refusal respectfully and always voices his opinion respectfully. We always ignore his desires for ours, disrespectfully.
I don't know what it was that hit me a few weeks ago when I stopped by to get one, but in the moment I was walking in the door to buy one I saw the situation as it really is; as I explained it to you above. What arrogant assholes we've been, really. Because what we want is more important than what he wants? I got a cheese and walked through our home door with it as excited as a schoolboy the day after Christmas break. I was THRILLED to show him a cheese pizza and he was THRILLED to get it. He feverishly thanked me and enjoyed that pizza so much. I told him it wasn't fair what we've been doing and that I was sorry for that and that sometimes we'll get pepperoni and sometimes we'll get cheese. He enjoyed hearing that and I enjoyed saying it.
I could fool myself all day long with excuses as to why we should get pepperoni instead of cheese, but what it comes down to when I'm getting real with myself is that it's not about a topping. It's about control. I want to be in control of the pizza because I'm the adult and this is my break from cooking, damnit. Jon wants to be in control of the pizza because he worked for the money for the pizza and he wants pepperoni, damnit. But, we don't really need to be in control of the fucking pizza, we need to be in control of ourselves because we wanted the children and we'll take them ANY day over a freakin piece of fake-ass meat. 'Scuse my cussing, but when I looked at what was really going on I got mad. It's not okay for our childrens' opinions to be less important than ours just because we CAN control what we're doing. For a very, very long time Jon and I told Zane "screw your opinion kid, take off that pepperoni and while you're at it lose the cheese you wanted too, cause it sticks to the meat anyway!" And that's simply not the message I want to send to him. Over a $5 crummy old pizza.
3. Drop your expectations of the child.
Zane has a funky sense of style. So does Jon. So when Zane gets dressed there will often be one-piece footy pajamas under shorts with a shirt (or sometimes not) over it. Of course he also squeezes his feet into flip flops (remember, footy pajamas...). He's also not a fan of haircuts and sometimes he picks wild styles (like when he shaved the left side of his head but left the right side long). When Jon gets Stori dressed there'll usually be a tank top and capris in winter or ya' know... stripes on a shirt and pants with boots or something wild. And he's REALLY CONVINCED it's SUPER CUTE!
It used to ruffle my feathers and I'd change Stori's clothes or I'd beg Zane to change (I never have MADE him change, as I've always believed he should have the freedom to wear what he wants and it's his hair, not mine). I'd tell Zane how ridiculous he looks or how uncomfortable he'll be. In general, I'd tell Zane that he made a bad choice and that he would feel terrible about it if he didn't change that choice. That's a kicker for some good old fashioned self-esteem issues! Now, when he wears craziness I breathe and recognize this is his outfit and his choice and if he thinks it looks great then who am I to tell him different? I let it be. Sometimes, if I'm in a particularly controlling mood it will get me annoyed and I'll say something but when I do I hear it coming from my mouth and I always retaliate (against myself) with "It's your outfit, not mine". Also, I've found a love for Jon's method of getting Stori dressed and for Father's Day I dressed Stori the way Jon would have just to celebrate his Dad-awesomeness! Oh boy, how I appreciate my husband being an active guy who doesn't mind trying to figure out skirts for our daughter and letting me off the hook of dressing people all the time.
While writing this one, I thought of something fun. Since I went to the post office the other day in teal pajama pants, a pink shirt, a green-and-white-striped sweater, and my aqua vibrams obviously I have an appreciation for flair. So, I think next time I'm in one of those controlling moods and he's wearing something that drives me bonkers I'll just march downstairs and wear and equally exciting outfit. That'll show me!
4. Let her play, let her explore.
Thankfully, this is one I've always has a pretty good handle on. I'm not one to condemn my kiddos to a life of misery-based reactions every time they want to do something challenging. "Don't climb that honey, you'll fall down." "Spinning's not good for you, don't try it." "Come inside; the world is full of molesters." These things have never slipped off my tongue. But, I do think there's room for improvement everywhere. I've been known to say, "You've fallen 13 times in the last hour, just stop trying." or "Why do you keep doing that?" or, my worst!! "What's wrong with you?" All these things I've said have been out of love, of course. I don't want Stori to fall anymore, I'm frustrated with non-stop comforting a frustrated small person, I want to know what's wrong when someone's upset. But the reality I'm creating for my kids with these statements is "You're not good enough" "You won't learn" "Something is wrong with you"
That's not what I want my kids to live. These slips are getting fewer and farther between, but they still happen and I want to be the "I've gotcha' if you need me" "Practice makes better" "How can I help?" Mom. Because I think the more I instill that in them the more faith they'll have in me later in life when they've hit a tough spot. I hope.
5. Say yes, or some version of yes.
This doesn't mean become a martyr for my kids and do what they say when they say and make sure I jump as high as they want me to. Jon and I were very, VERY "no" oriented. It was our gut instinct. Anytime a question was asked we said "no" and then thought about if we should change our minds. Not only did this set the tone that when we say no it doesn't actually mean no (which we're still coming back from), but I think now that this fosters a lack of self belief for our kids. I mean really. Think about it. Almost anything Zane said he wanted or asked for we said no to. Our immediate reaction to him was always something negative. It was always denial. How would he be able to feel confident in his own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, anything? He's always hearing "no" which means, "You're wrong".
Oops.
I've super-improved here and recognized how many nos don't need to be nos at all. And how much I was controlling him by saying no when I shot him down a lot on great ideas or perfectly acceptable questions. I even said YES to ice cream for breakfast the other day! GAASSPP!!!! But, they each got a small scoop of ice cream and while they were eating it they were able to find more healthful answers to my original question "What do you want for breakfast?". So, after their couple tablespoons worth of ice cream we had oatmeal(real oats, not from an envelope, ya' know... we eat THAT stuff!) and bacon. You wouldn't have guessed it though, because all those kids remembered about breakfast was MOM GAVE US ICE CREAM!!! So, what's in their heads now? Mom said yes and did something fun that she hadn't done before. What's in mine? I gave them a little and then got what I wanted as well, which was their bellies full of good food. But oatmeal is a distant thought in their minds. It's cuteness, really!
6. Stop trying to overeducate, and get out of the way.
Also, not a big one for me. I think because I grew up legitimately neglected and am pretty stinkin smart I just have faith in a person's ability to learn. I've not had to do much on this one and thankfully so. Jon has though, but I'm not speaking for him. Maybe someday he'll come post on here. We'll see.
7. Just focus on making the next interaction with them positive.
I've spent DAYS worth of time saying, "hold on... wait a minute... not now... what do you need now?" This is my biggest struggle right now, in fact. I want my kids' experiences with me to be remembered as when they wanted me or needed me I supported them or stopped for them. I'm struggling with this one daily and while I do make sure to have happy, positive time with them daily I get tired of the same books over and over again and the same legos over and over again. If YOU have any tips for me and my readers in this area please, please post them below! I love them so very very much, but I'm pretty sure they'll have lots of memories of waiting around for me to "finish this" or "do this". And, blech! I don't want it. I know where this stems, which is my being selfish and wanting my agenda to be top priority, I get that. I see the undertone. But, I need help in changing it. Thanks!!
8. Take a moment to pause and see things from your child's perspective.
"Sit down quietly and wait for your food" i a great way to get kids yelling and crying at a table in a restaurant. Jon and I downright STOPPED eating out several years ago because we were SO TIRED of the fits Zane would throw just because we wanted him to sit down and wait quietly. Crayons and papers didn't work, trains didn't work, our phones didn't work. The kid HATES sitting down to wait. He hates it. And we hated fighting and threatening and scolding. So we stopped. Then I remembered something I learned from my home economics teacher in high school. **If a child wants to play puppies under the table why not?** Gut reaction: "Cause it's dirty under the table and it annoys me when my kids aren't acting civilized." Their floor is probably no dirtier than yours, in fact it's probably cleaner. I know I mop my floors once per week and each time I've worked in a restaurant we mopped our floors twice a day. So, that's B.S.
Than I had to get real with myself. I want my kids to act civilized. "I don't want to be 'embarrassed' by their childish behavior." Sorry, what's that? "I don't want to be embarrassed by my CHILD's CHILDISH behavior." Oh, ok. You want a grown up at the table with you? Great, go to dinner with Jon, weirdo. If you want your child at dinner with you then guess what? You'll have your CHILD at dinner with you, acting CHILDISHLY. Oh, ok. Thanks, me! So now, I'm totally the lady who's kids crawl under the table while waiting for food or waiting for a check. And I giggle the whole time I hear another lady fighting her kids during their screaming fit cause they're supposed to be not acting childish. It took me a while to get used used to having my legs knocked into every now and then because at first each time it happened it angered me to know that "my kid wouldn't behave" but in time it's become a reminder that "my kid's not screaming their face off at me and I'm holding a conversation with my husband". WIN!
Children are children and we are helping them grown into well-adjusted adults. I think the more we can help foster their childish behavior while they're children the more likely they won't throw fits over pepperoni (see #1 and #2, I'm talking about myself here) as adults. They get to get their childhood now so they aren't fighting for it later. I hope. I know a LOT of selfish adults who throw fits and I've yet to meet one adult who was allowed to crawl under the table. I'll let you know how this pans out later. (Gimme a decade or so, k?)
9. If the kid is "acting up", try to figure out why, and meet that need.
Zane used to throw big fits and we'd throw equally big fits, fighting a non-stop battle of the time-out chair. He'd pour chocolate into the gallon of milk, he'd sneak goodies out of the cupboards when we were sleeping. We'd yell, we'd fight him, we'd punish him, we'd do all the things we were "supposed" to do. Hell, we even spanked him! A lot. That's all anyone could advise us to do.
I started this therapeutic parenting stuff over the summer, after recognizing that Zane had every.single.presentation of Reactive Attachment Disorder. That's when I was introduced to this whole idea of asking your child what's up when they're all kinds of outta whack. I've been BLOWN.A-WAY. since. I can smell it now, before it gets too bad. I know when they're "off" and it's almost always because they want one-on-one with me. Which, Stori can verbalize but Zane cannot, ironically enough. Probably because I spent a few years teaching Zane to shut it and Stori hasn't gotten that. When I feel them getting frenzied (which is what happens before misbehavior, by the way... really. Take a moment and notice it, it's like CLOCK WORK, people!) I can stop whatever I'm doing and we can play hide and seek or we can get a game from the shelf or we can sit with a book and them literally sitting ON me or we can jump into some other form of one-on-one play and I engage until they're bored and the rest of our day is swell. I suppose as they both grow it won't always be time-with-me they need and I'll learn their new languages as they evolve but for the time being this has changed our lives in extraordinary ways.
I still need serious improvement in doing this when we're with other people. I'm selfish-ish and I want to have my conversations, ya' know. I want to visit with people. But, I'm working on stopping in all situations to feed them. Make a love deposit (Oh, the Michael Scott in me is screaming... "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!") to their little hearts and let them know that if they need me I am here. Even if I really, really want to be doing something else.
10. The kid is already perfect as he is.
Done. Nuff said. Get it. Learn it. Live it. Love it. They are perfect!
LONGEST BLOG POST EVER.
I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of Jon. I'm proud of our kids. I'm grateful to have the family I have. SO incredibly GRATEFUL!
***Again, I want to point out that these numbers and the bold sentences behind them come from this post and they are not my words. They touched me deeply and helped me remember to celebrate our accomplishments but I, in no way, take credit for them. That all goes to Leo Babauta.
So, I decided I'd come here and put it down on "blogger paper" what we've done. No need to wait anymore, I'll go right along with the aspects of that article that we've succeeded on.
1. When you get angry, pick them up and hug them.
I used to yell a LOT when I was angry at Zane. I really got tired of hearing my own voice so I started on this habit. I still yell and am not done with this, but I'm better than ever. Often when I am angry and I want to yell I'll whisper instead. Or, I'll sing some ridiculous song. Or, I'll do a dance. Or, if I'm just THAT angry I'll walk away. When I'm angry at Stori and I begin to lash out I see it right away and I do pick her up and hug her or hold her. When I see it in Zane I either hug him or do something goofy with him.
Through doing this I've realized that most of the time I'm angry at them because they want something different than me and ::stomps foot:: I want it MY way, damnit! Should I really yell at my kids because I'm not getting things my way? Um, no. Glad to be stopping this one and so proud of the steps I've taken thus far. I won't stop until it is my nature to hug, love, and listen rather than yell.
2. Make this your mantra: treat them with kindness; treat them with respect.
Sometimes we really like to indulge in a Hot & Ready from Little Caesars. It's cheap and easy and yummy in that gross-yummy way. We always get Pepperoni because we figure if it's the same price then get the one with the most flavor and extra topping. Zane always wants cheese. We always tell him he can pick the pepperonis off and then he'll have cheese. He always tells us it's not the same. He always accepts our refusal respectfully and always voices his opinion respectfully. We always ignore his desires for ours, disrespectfully.
I don't know what it was that hit me a few weeks ago when I stopped by to get one, but in the moment I was walking in the door to buy one I saw the situation as it really is; as I explained it to you above. What arrogant assholes we've been, really. Because what we want is more important than what he wants? I got a cheese and walked through our home door with it as excited as a schoolboy the day after Christmas break. I was THRILLED to show him a cheese pizza and he was THRILLED to get it. He feverishly thanked me and enjoyed that pizza so much. I told him it wasn't fair what we've been doing and that I was sorry for that and that sometimes we'll get pepperoni and sometimes we'll get cheese. He enjoyed hearing that and I enjoyed saying it.
I could fool myself all day long with excuses as to why we should get pepperoni instead of cheese, but what it comes down to when I'm getting real with myself is that it's not about a topping. It's about control. I want to be in control of the pizza because I'm the adult and this is my break from cooking, damnit. Jon wants to be in control of the pizza because he worked for the money for the pizza and he wants pepperoni, damnit. But, we don't really need to be in control of the fucking pizza, we need to be in control of ourselves because we wanted the children and we'll take them ANY day over a freakin piece of fake-ass meat. 'Scuse my cussing, but when I looked at what was really going on I got mad. It's not okay for our childrens' opinions to be less important than ours just because we CAN control what we're doing. For a very, very long time Jon and I told Zane "screw your opinion kid, take off that pepperoni and while you're at it lose the cheese you wanted too, cause it sticks to the meat anyway!" And that's simply not the message I want to send to him. Over a $5 crummy old pizza.
3. Drop your expectations of the child.
Zane has a funky sense of style. So does Jon. So when Zane gets dressed there will often be one-piece footy pajamas under shorts with a shirt (or sometimes not) over it. Of course he also squeezes his feet into flip flops (remember, footy pajamas...). He's also not a fan of haircuts and sometimes he picks wild styles (like when he shaved the left side of his head but left the right side long). When Jon gets Stori dressed there'll usually be a tank top and capris in winter or ya' know... stripes on a shirt and pants with boots or something wild. And he's REALLY CONVINCED it's SUPER CUTE!
It used to ruffle my feathers and I'd change Stori's clothes or I'd beg Zane to change (I never have MADE him change, as I've always believed he should have the freedom to wear what he wants and it's his hair, not mine). I'd tell Zane how ridiculous he looks or how uncomfortable he'll be. In general, I'd tell Zane that he made a bad choice and that he would feel terrible about it if he didn't change that choice. That's a kicker for some good old fashioned self-esteem issues! Now, when he wears craziness I breathe and recognize this is his outfit and his choice and if he thinks it looks great then who am I to tell him different? I let it be. Sometimes, if I'm in a particularly controlling mood it will get me annoyed and I'll say something but when I do I hear it coming from my mouth and I always retaliate (against myself) with "It's your outfit, not mine". Also, I've found a love for Jon's method of getting Stori dressed and for Father's Day I dressed Stori the way Jon would have just to celebrate his Dad-awesomeness! Oh boy, how I appreciate my husband being an active guy who doesn't mind trying to figure out skirts for our daughter and letting me off the hook of dressing people all the time.
While writing this one, I thought of something fun. Since I went to the post office the other day in teal pajama pants, a pink shirt, a green-and-white-striped sweater, and my aqua vibrams obviously I have an appreciation for flair. So, I think next time I'm in one of those controlling moods and he's wearing something that drives me bonkers I'll just march downstairs and wear and equally exciting outfit. That'll show me!
4. Let her play, let her explore.
Thankfully, this is one I've always has a pretty good handle on. I'm not one to condemn my kiddos to a life of misery-based reactions every time they want to do something challenging. "Don't climb that honey, you'll fall down." "Spinning's not good for you, don't try it." "Come inside; the world is full of molesters." These things have never slipped off my tongue. But, I do think there's room for improvement everywhere. I've been known to say, "You've fallen 13 times in the last hour, just stop trying." or "Why do you keep doing that?" or, my worst!! "What's wrong with you?" All these things I've said have been out of love, of course. I don't want Stori to fall anymore, I'm frustrated with non-stop comforting a frustrated small person, I want to know what's wrong when someone's upset. But the reality I'm creating for my kids with these statements is "You're not good enough" "You won't learn" "Something is wrong with you"
That's not what I want my kids to live. These slips are getting fewer and farther between, but they still happen and I want to be the "I've gotcha' if you need me" "Practice makes better" "How can I help?" Mom. Because I think the more I instill that in them the more faith they'll have in me later in life when they've hit a tough spot. I hope.
5. Say yes, or some version of yes.
This doesn't mean become a martyr for my kids and do what they say when they say and make sure I jump as high as they want me to. Jon and I were very, VERY "no" oriented. It was our gut instinct. Anytime a question was asked we said "no" and then thought about if we should change our minds. Not only did this set the tone that when we say no it doesn't actually mean no (which we're still coming back from), but I think now that this fosters a lack of self belief for our kids. I mean really. Think about it. Almost anything Zane said he wanted or asked for we said no to. Our immediate reaction to him was always something negative. It was always denial. How would he be able to feel confident in his own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, anything? He's always hearing "no" which means, "You're wrong".
Oops.
I've super-improved here and recognized how many nos don't need to be nos at all. And how much I was controlling him by saying no when I shot him down a lot on great ideas or perfectly acceptable questions. I even said YES to ice cream for breakfast the other day! GAASSPP!!!! But, they each got a small scoop of ice cream and while they were eating it they were able to find more healthful answers to my original question "What do you want for breakfast?". So, after their couple tablespoons worth of ice cream we had oatmeal(real oats, not from an envelope, ya' know... we eat THAT stuff!) and bacon. You wouldn't have guessed it though, because all those kids remembered about breakfast was MOM GAVE US ICE CREAM!!! So, what's in their heads now? Mom said yes and did something fun that she hadn't done before. What's in mine? I gave them a little and then got what I wanted as well, which was their bellies full of good food. But oatmeal is a distant thought in their minds. It's cuteness, really!
6. Stop trying to overeducate, and get out of the way.
Also, not a big one for me. I think because I grew up legitimately neglected and am pretty stinkin smart I just have faith in a person's ability to learn. I've not had to do much on this one and thankfully so. Jon has though, but I'm not speaking for him. Maybe someday he'll come post on here. We'll see.
7. Just focus on making the next interaction with them positive.
I've spent DAYS worth of time saying, "hold on... wait a minute... not now... what do you need now?" This is my biggest struggle right now, in fact. I want my kids' experiences with me to be remembered as when they wanted me or needed me I supported them or stopped for them. I'm struggling with this one daily and while I do make sure to have happy, positive time with them daily I get tired of the same books over and over again and the same legos over and over again. If YOU have any tips for me and my readers in this area please, please post them below! I love them so very very much, but I'm pretty sure they'll have lots of memories of waiting around for me to "finish this" or "do this". And, blech! I don't want it. I know where this stems, which is my being selfish and wanting my agenda to be top priority, I get that. I see the undertone. But, I need help in changing it. Thanks!!
8. Take a moment to pause and see things from your child's perspective.
"Sit down quietly and wait for your food" i a great way to get kids yelling and crying at a table in a restaurant. Jon and I downright STOPPED eating out several years ago because we were SO TIRED of the fits Zane would throw just because we wanted him to sit down and wait quietly. Crayons and papers didn't work, trains didn't work, our phones didn't work. The kid HATES sitting down to wait. He hates it. And we hated fighting and threatening and scolding. So we stopped. Then I remembered something I learned from my home economics teacher in high school. **If a child wants to play puppies under the table why not?** Gut reaction: "Cause it's dirty under the table and it annoys me when my kids aren't acting civilized." Their floor is probably no dirtier than yours, in fact it's probably cleaner. I know I mop my floors once per week and each time I've worked in a restaurant we mopped our floors twice a day. So, that's B.S.
Than I had to get real with myself. I want my kids to act civilized. "I don't want to be 'embarrassed' by their childish behavior." Sorry, what's that? "I don't want to be embarrassed by my CHILD's CHILDISH behavior." Oh, ok. You want a grown up at the table with you? Great, go to dinner with Jon, weirdo. If you want your child at dinner with you then guess what? You'll have your CHILD at dinner with you, acting CHILDISHLY. Oh, ok. Thanks, me! So now, I'm totally the lady who's kids crawl under the table while waiting for food or waiting for a check. And I giggle the whole time I hear another lady fighting her kids during their screaming fit cause they're supposed to be not acting childish. It took me a while to get used used to having my legs knocked into every now and then because at first each time it happened it angered me to know that "my kid wouldn't behave" but in time it's become a reminder that "my kid's not screaming their face off at me and I'm holding a conversation with my husband". WIN!
Children are children and we are helping them grown into well-adjusted adults. I think the more we can help foster their childish behavior while they're children the more likely they won't throw fits over pepperoni (see #1 and #2, I'm talking about myself here) as adults. They get to get their childhood now so they aren't fighting for it later. I hope. I know a LOT of selfish adults who throw fits and I've yet to meet one adult who was allowed to crawl under the table. I'll let you know how this pans out later. (Gimme a decade or so, k?)
9. If the kid is "acting up", try to figure out why, and meet that need.
Zane used to throw big fits and we'd throw equally big fits, fighting a non-stop battle of the time-out chair. He'd pour chocolate into the gallon of milk, he'd sneak goodies out of the cupboards when we were sleeping. We'd yell, we'd fight him, we'd punish him, we'd do all the things we were "supposed" to do. Hell, we even spanked him! A lot. That's all anyone could advise us to do.
I started this therapeutic parenting stuff over the summer, after recognizing that Zane had every.single.presentation of Reactive Attachment Disorder. That's when I was introduced to this whole idea of asking your child what's up when they're all kinds of outta whack. I've been BLOWN.A-WAY. since. I can smell it now, before it gets too bad. I know when they're "off" and it's almost always because they want one-on-one with me. Which, Stori can verbalize but Zane cannot, ironically enough. Probably because I spent a few years teaching Zane to shut it and Stori hasn't gotten that. When I feel them getting frenzied (which is what happens before misbehavior, by the way... really. Take a moment and notice it, it's like CLOCK WORK, people!) I can stop whatever I'm doing and we can play hide and seek or we can get a game from the shelf or we can sit with a book and them literally sitting ON me or we can jump into some other form of one-on-one play and I engage until they're bored and the rest of our day is swell. I suppose as they both grow it won't always be time-with-me they need and I'll learn their new languages as they evolve but for the time being this has changed our lives in extraordinary ways.
I still need serious improvement in doing this when we're with other people. I'm selfish-ish and I want to have my conversations, ya' know. I want to visit with people. But, I'm working on stopping in all situations to feed them. Make a love deposit (Oh, the Michael Scott in me is screaming... "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!") to their little hearts and let them know that if they need me I am here. Even if I really, really want to be doing something else.
10. The kid is already perfect as he is.
Done. Nuff said. Get it. Learn it. Live it. Love it. They are perfect!
LONGEST BLOG POST EVER.
I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of Jon. I'm proud of our kids. I'm grateful to have the family I have. SO incredibly GRATEFUL!
***Again, I want to point out that these numbers and the bold sentences behind them come from this post and they are not my words. They touched me deeply and helped me remember to celebrate our accomplishments but I, in no way, take credit for them. That all goes to Leo Babauta.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Companionship
I'm anxiously awaiting Jon's arrival home from work. I almost always look forward to seeing him, but sometimes I NEED him to come home and hold me while I sob. He truly is my knight in shining armor. It's unbelievably common for RAD to cause big marriage problems. There are numerous reasons, for sure. But there's one that's interesting which is that a lot of RAD kids show most of their RAD behaviors to their Moms only. They put on a big fat act for their Dads and keep their anger for their Moms. Most RAD anger is for Moms.
I believe that's because at the heart of RAD is a hurt child, a fetus, an infant, a toddler. No matter how progressive we become in this world it will always be the case that a child begins as part of their Mom. Which means it lies at the very first cell of who we become that our Mothers will provide for us, care for us, rock us, love us, nurture us, protect us, sympathize for us and empathize with us, fight for us, and flight with us. We "are" our Moms. So when something traumatic happens to a child (that plays a part in the future of RAD) it is beyond their control that they believe it's because their Mom screwed them over. Their Mom didn't provide, care, rock, love, nurture, protect, sympathize and empathize, fight for, or fly with. Their Mom failed them. And the only reason is because THEY aren't worthy of their Mom's said duties. Or, well, that's what is ingrained in them anyway.
Fortunately(????) for Jon and I a portion of Zane's experiences was his dad (I use lower-case this time, cause this guy lost the privilege of the upper-case, but like my own mom) disappearing. This is fortunate only because Zane doesn't really hide any of his behaviors from Jon. He's just as insecure with a Dad's love as he is with a Mom's. Why does this matter? Well, because this is a very lonely life. That doesn't even begin to sum it up. Zane occasionally acts out in front of others, indeed. But, he doesn't bring out his RAD behaviors. He saves those for us. Cause we're the ones he wants to trust so badly. But, because he doesn't hide this from Jon I do have a partner here. Someone who really understands what it's like. Adequately expressed here, we need others that we can speak with and who get us. This little community I've found online isn't much, but it is growing as I get to read other blogs and "meet" other people. But, it's nothing like having someone come home and know what you mean when you say what you've experienced.
That's why I'm looking so forward to ORLANDO!!! This was a big decision for me to make. It's a super financial commitment that I'm still not quite sure how we'll pay for, but thanks to some absolutely beautiful and wonderful readers, I've been awarded a scholarship for my room and board and meals. Which means I have to get there and back, that's it! I don't drink so I don't have to find alcohol money and as much as some time in the spa sounds great that's just not on my plate right now.
I'm a little nervous about probably being the only biological RAD Mom there but I also look forward to sharing information and experiences with everyone. I'm not even sure if I'll pack real clothes. I *might* just hang out in pajama-esque pants the whole time. I might not even brush my hair. I told Jon the other night while discussing my concern that I look forward to being with other Moms who know what revenge pee is. :-) Cause I really do. I look forward to not feeling alone for a few days. I look forward to meeting other Moms who probably spend a lot of time crying until their whole face is swollen as well. I look forward to meeting others who know the turbulence of our life.
Until then, though, I'll be seeking out some support in my physical life. I've been on the search for attachment therapists who are covered by our insurance and so far, no luck. There's even a RAD specialist RIGHT HERE in our town. But, nope... Not covered. I'll be calling tomorrow to see if he makes arrangements for families who aren't covered. I feel like things have been escalating here and that we could do some powerful healing with all of this, but as much as I've learned I still feel like I don't know diddly. It's funny... We've spent 4 years in therapy with Zane and because we weren't treating the right cause we've made no progress. Now we know. We actually know. And, it just so happens to be a non-covered illness because it's not life-threatening. Bologna! I'm completely against this Obamacare thing, because I think it was poorly created, but I'm 100% for legitimate Universal Healthcare for this very reason. When someone needs care and there is a provider who can help access should be granted to that help. And, I get it... we can pay out of pocket, certainly. But... healthcare's not set up that way, so it's really an unfair argument.
I digress... What I mean is that I've got to get more community here that understands us and our lives. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends, indeed. But I don't have anyone I can call and say, "Come spend the day with us, please. We need the company." And that's what I'm looking for. For all of us. Jon's in need, too. Of a RAD Dad. I haven't found any. Maybe I should go looking.... And then he can come home and hold me and hear me and understand me.
I believe that's because at the heart of RAD is a hurt child, a fetus, an infant, a toddler. No matter how progressive we become in this world it will always be the case that a child begins as part of their Mom. Which means it lies at the very first cell of who we become that our Mothers will provide for us, care for us, rock us, love us, nurture us, protect us, sympathize for us and empathize with us, fight for us, and flight with us. We "are" our Moms. So when something traumatic happens to a child (that plays a part in the future of RAD) it is beyond their control that they believe it's because their Mom screwed them over. Their Mom didn't provide, care, rock, love, nurture, protect, sympathize and empathize, fight for, or fly with. Their Mom failed them. And the only reason is because THEY aren't worthy of their Mom's said duties. Or, well, that's what is ingrained in them anyway.
Fortunately(????) for Jon and I a portion of Zane's experiences was his dad (I use lower-case this time, cause this guy lost the privilege of the upper-case, but like my own mom) disappearing. This is fortunate only because Zane doesn't really hide any of his behaviors from Jon. He's just as insecure with a Dad's love as he is with a Mom's. Why does this matter? Well, because this is a very lonely life. That doesn't even begin to sum it up. Zane occasionally acts out in front of others, indeed. But, he doesn't bring out his RAD behaviors. He saves those for us. Cause we're the ones he wants to trust so badly. But, because he doesn't hide this from Jon I do have a partner here. Someone who really understands what it's like. Adequately expressed here, we need others that we can speak with and who get us. This little community I've found online isn't much, but it is growing as I get to read other blogs and "meet" other people. But, it's nothing like having someone come home and know what you mean when you say what you've experienced.
That's why I'm looking so forward to ORLANDO!!! This was a big decision for me to make. It's a super financial commitment that I'm still not quite sure how we'll pay for, but thanks to some absolutely beautiful and wonderful readers, I've been awarded a scholarship for my room and board and meals. Which means I have to get there and back, that's it! I don't drink so I don't have to find alcohol money and as much as some time in the spa sounds great that's just not on my plate right now.
I'm a little nervous about probably being the only biological RAD Mom there but I also look forward to sharing information and experiences with everyone. I'm not even sure if I'll pack real clothes. I *might* just hang out in pajama-esque pants the whole time. I might not even brush my hair. I told Jon the other night while discussing my concern that I look forward to being with other Moms who know what revenge pee is. :-) Cause I really do. I look forward to not feeling alone for a few days. I look forward to meeting other Moms who probably spend a lot of time crying until their whole face is swollen as well. I look forward to meeting others who know the turbulence of our life.
Until then, though, I'll be seeking out some support in my physical life. I've been on the search for attachment therapists who are covered by our insurance and so far, no luck. There's even a RAD specialist RIGHT HERE in our town. But, nope... Not covered. I'll be calling tomorrow to see if he makes arrangements for families who aren't covered. I feel like things have been escalating here and that we could do some powerful healing with all of this, but as much as I've learned I still feel like I don't know diddly. It's funny... We've spent 4 years in therapy with Zane and because we weren't treating the right cause we've made no progress. Now we know. We actually know. And, it just so happens to be a non-covered illness because it's not life-threatening. Bologna! I'm completely against this Obamacare thing, because I think it was poorly created, but I'm 100% for legitimate Universal Healthcare for this very reason. When someone needs care and there is a provider who can help access should be granted to that help. And, I get it... we can pay out of pocket, certainly. But... healthcare's not set up that way, so it's really an unfair argument.
I digress... What I mean is that I've got to get more community here that understands us and our lives. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends, indeed. But I don't have anyone I can call and say, "Come spend the day with us, please. We need the company." And that's what I'm looking for. For all of us. Jon's in need, too. Of a RAD Dad. I haven't found any. Maybe I should go looking.... And then he can come home and hold me and hear me and understand me.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Handling
I'm currently handling things. You know those times when you can only say you're "dealing with things" because you feel like you're sludging through quicksand wearing swimming flippers and your bikini bottoms are on backward when you have no business wearing a bikini in the first place?
That perfectly describes the past few weeks for me and my relationship with Zane. It has been hell. I've been so angry that I've lost all touch with what I'm supposed to be doing. I begrudgingly cuddle him every night and read him stories. I do the things for him that I'm supposed to do but I'm just going through the motions. All along I'm mad at him and I'm on the edge of a cliff that doesn't even hang over water, for goodness sakes. And when I'm not actively mad at him, but I'm back in the place of compassion and understanding I'm mad at God for doing this to us.
I've been known to cry out to God pleading for an answer to my big, fat, overwhelming, omnipresent
"WHY!?"
I've yet to get a real answer, but when I back away from the ledge and I come back to reality and I stop feeling so damn sorry for myself I recognize some answers to the why.
Like:
A lot of parents would see him as a bad kid and add to the damage with brutality. Jon and I are willing, if not eager, to learn what we can about how to best help him. We're open to nearly anything that will heal his heart and we're really determined to never give up. We definitely have our days of fear that we'll be visiting our adult Zane in jail, but most of our days are ones with faith that he is going to be nurtured and loved through this and he will find a way to be healthfully loving and loved. We currently play this for him nightly, both while we cuddle him and for the rest of the night, on repeat. We reinforce the positive statements by saying them to him along with the lady. Because we really do believe in him. We just fear some of the possibilities.
I have a really, really troubled background. My parents have failed me across the board in numerous ways and Jon is downright amazed at how "healthy" I am, given where I come from. Frankly, if Zane hadn't started presenting symptoms of RAD years before we knew what it was I don't know how invested I would be in putting an absolute, 100% end to the legacy of abusive and neglectful women in my family. But, because I've watched Zane hurt and I've seen him struggle -and reach out for what hes most afraid of even though he usually fights it as soon as he gets it- I know, firsthand, how much having someone's unconditional love can heal that. And the love I have for Zane is immeasurable. I have experienced immense pain by being his Mom. Things I could never explain to you, because the layers of the actions are just too complicated to write down. And, I don't love him because of that. I don't love him in spite of it. I love him because I see what's really going on. He's SCARED TO BE LOVED. A crazy concept to most, but it is exactly that and the more I push to remind myself of that the more I can offer him in terms of absolute, unconditional love.
This has allowed me to see my own behaviors that directly related to my lack of attachment with my Mom. Thankfully, things never progressed or whatnot to the degree of RAD, but I had a very different first few years than Zane. Regardless, however, I've seen how easily I can detach when I'm getting close and I see how I can be cold and feel entitled and be afraid of those closest to us. I see how I can push people away who are here to help, because I'm quite certain that the more they get to know about our family the more they will be repulsed. And, it's all in my head, as it is in Zane's. As Christine has said before... raising kids with trauma will force you to deal with ANY shit you have been holding onto yourself. She knows what she's talking about, cause it sure does! I appreciate the opportunity God has given me to see my own shit and to deal with it. It may cause big anxiety sometimes and it may be extremely uncomfortable but I don't want 20 more years to pass and be in a separate place from my own feelings. I don't want to be miserable with myself and not even know why because I never spent the time to figure it out. I don't want to be stagnant.
So, sure.. there are some extravagant "why"s that have been answered, but when my heart is feeling like it's dying inside it's easy to fall in the trap of believing I'm doing it all wrong and I'm not helping him and I'm not a good Therapeutic Parent and I should just go away and he'd be better off. But, alas... that's me dealing with my own shit and that's my traumatized heart dying and providing room for my healthy heart to grow. Growth hurts.
So, during these past few weeks because I've allowed myself to lose sight of the positives in our lives and the change that is happening in our house I've not been doing what I should be doing. I've only been able to really help Zane out of his big feelings a few times and I've yelled more than I'd like to admit. I AM SUPPOSED TO whisper and I am supposed to reach out to my support and I am supposed to watch my therapeutic parenting videos and I am supposed to keep all of these tools and all of this hope at the very front of my mind. I haven't been and you know what? It's not okay, but it is okay to carry on forward and not dwell on it any longer.
So, I've decided to give it another go at the Attachment Challenge!!! I'm excited, of course. I know I need to get back into the groove of doing what I need to do every day (okay, well... during my period, I'm kind of forgiven, but I'm still aiming high) and I'm hoping that bringing this back up will help me do that.
And this, friends, is how I've moved from "dealing" to "handling". I put my hands back in the game and I'm not going to sit back and give the cards to everyone else. I'm getting back in the driver's seat and giving it another go. This time, though, I have no intentions of documenting it every day. I've got lots of pants to make in the evenings, anyway.
That perfectly describes the past few weeks for me and my relationship with Zane. It has been hell. I've been so angry that I've lost all touch with what I'm supposed to be doing. I begrudgingly cuddle him every night and read him stories. I do the things for him that I'm supposed to do but I'm just going through the motions. All along I'm mad at him and I'm on the edge of a cliff that doesn't even hang over water, for goodness sakes. And when I'm not actively mad at him, but I'm back in the place of compassion and understanding I'm mad at God for doing this to us.
I've been known to cry out to God pleading for an answer to my big, fat, overwhelming, omnipresent
"WHY!?"
I've yet to get a real answer, but when I back away from the ledge and I come back to reality and I stop feeling so damn sorry for myself I recognize some answers to the why.
Like:
A lot of parents would see him as a bad kid and add to the damage with brutality. Jon and I are willing, if not eager, to learn what we can about how to best help him. We're open to nearly anything that will heal his heart and we're really determined to never give up. We definitely have our days of fear that we'll be visiting our adult Zane in jail, but most of our days are ones with faith that he is going to be nurtured and loved through this and he will find a way to be healthfully loving and loved. We currently play this for him nightly, both while we cuddle him and for the rest of the night, on repeat. We reinforce the positive statements by saying them to him along with the lady. Because we really do believe in him. We just fear some of the possibilities.
I have a really, really troubled background. My parents have failed me across the board in numerous ways and Jon is downright amazed at how "healthy" I am, given where I come from. Frankly, if Zane hadn't started presenting symptoms of RAD years before we knew what it was I don't know how invested I would be in putting an absolute, 100% end to the legacy of abusive and neglectful women in my family. But, because I've watched Zane hurt and I've seen him struggle -and reach out for what hes most afraid of even though he usually fights it as soon as he gets it- I know, firsthand, how much having someone's unconditional love can heal that. And the love I have for Zane is immeasurable. I have experienced immense pain by being his Mom. Things I could never explain to you, because the layers of the actions are just too complicated to write down. And, I don't love him because of that. I don't love him in spite of it. I love him because I see what's really going on. He's SCARED TO BE LOVED. A crazy concept to most, but it is exactly that and the more I push to remind myself of that the more I can offer him in terms of absolute, unconditional love.
This has allowed me to see my own behaviors that directly related to my lack of attachment with my Mom. Thankfully, things never progressed or whatnot to the degree of RAD, but I had a very different first few years than Zane. Regardless, however, I've seen how easily I can detach when I'm getting close and I see how I can be cold and feel entitled and be afraid of those closest to us. I see how I can push people away who are here to help, because I'm quite certain that the more they get to know about our family the more they will be repulsed. And, it's all in my head, as it is in Zane's. As Christine has said before... raising kids with trauma will force you to deal with ANY shit you have been holding onto yourself. She knows what she's talking about, cause it sure does! I appreciate the opportunity God has given me to see my own shit and to deal with it. It may cause big anxiety sometimes and it may be extremely uncomfortable but I don't want 20 more years to pass and be in a separate place from my own feelings. I don't want to be miserable with myself and not even know why because I never spent the time to figure it out. I don't want to be stagnant.
So, sure.. there are some extravagant "why"s that have been answered, but when my heart is feeling like it's dying inside it's easy to fall in the trap of believing I'm doing it all wrong and I'm not helping him and I'm not a good Therapeutic Parent and I should just go away and he'd be better off. But, alas... that's me dealing with my own shit and that's my traumatized heart dying and providing room for my healthy heart to grow. Growth hurts.
So, during these past few weeks because I've allowed myself to lose sight of the positives in our lives and the change that is happening in our house I've not been doing what I should be doing. I've only been able to really help Zane out of his big feelings a few times and I've yelled more than I'd like to admit. I AM SUPPOSED TO whisper and I am supposed to reach out to my support and I am supposed to watch my therapeutic parenting videos and I am supposed to keep all of these tools and all of this hope at the very front of my mind. I haven't been and you know what? It's not okay, but it is okay to carry on forward and not dwell on it any longer.
So, I've decided to give it another go at the Attachment Challenge!!! I'm excited, of course. I know I need to get back into the groove of doing what I need to do every day (okay, well... during my period, I'm kind of forgiven, but I'm still aiming high) and I'm hoping that bringing this back up will help me do that.
And this, friends, is how I've moved from "dealing" to "handling". I put my hands back in the game and I'm not going to sit back and give the cards to everyone else. I'm getting back in the driver's seat and giving it another go. This time, though, I have no intentions of documenting it every day. I've got lots of pants to make in the evenings, anyway.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Don't you tell me I'm lucky
I got back from the grocery a little bit ago. While in the checkout line I saw Zane's classroom best friend's step-Mom. We said our "hi"s and she said she hadn't seen us around, so I informed her that we started home schooling last month. She said, "I wish I could do that, you're lucky!" I said, "Why can't you?" She said, "I have to work." I said, "I'm lighting the torch under the NEW feminist movement so stay home if that's what you feel you should do and the economy will catch up." She said, "I wish my bills agreed with that, you're so lucky."
I shook my head and it was my turn to cash out so I did my stuff and we said bye.
I wish this was a rare occurance. But, it's not. At all. I hear it all the time, even before we were home schooling, but just because I choose to be home with my kids. And you know what? I'm pissed off.
So, this is kind of a rant-ish post, k?
Firstly, I'm not lucky. I haven't bought a new pair of underwear in 2 friggin years. True fact. And every time I need to buy razor blades for shaving I cringe at the $9 JUST TO SHAVE MY LEGS! We're hardly swimming in money. Don't get me wrong, we're also not impoverished by any means, but what I'm getting at is that we choose this. Consciously and intentionally. A couple of months ago things were rough enough that I was looking for a PT job and I was looking hard. I decided, instead, to throw my heart and soul behind Rumptastic!! so I didn't lose focus.
Now, I'm pretty open, like I've talked about before. I'd be happy to share with you all exactly my husband's salary, but his work kinda' frowns on it. So, I can't. But, in the few circles that I have shared it (usually making my point as to why people need to quit assuming stay home Moms are in wealthy families) I A.L.W.A.Y.S. get a "Wow!" And, it's always a "Wow" that means... on *that* salary you make it work with a mortgage, 2 kids, 3 pets, and ZERO credit card debt (which is now no longer true as we did put something on them for the first time ever, but it's for Rumptastic!!, not for our every day living)!?!?
Yes, yes we do.
How?? Well, I get a new purse when mine breaks, not when it's no longer in style. We buy a lot of stuff used (and this month-everything!) and this is more for the environmental impact, but it sure does help out in the wallet division! I make food more than buying food. Ya' know... I buy ingredients then make meals, I don't buy meals in a box or meals in an envelope. When we need things for the house (like a toilet) we go to ReStore, again more for the environmental impact but a big saver as well. I don't "go to the hair dresser" but even if I did we'd definitely go somewhere like Great Clips. We don't have cable tv(although we mostly don't want to watch it anyway, what we do like we can get on Hulu).
Does this mean we go without? No way, Jose! Our bedrooms are all filled with things we need/want/use/used to use, as are our living rooms, but we haven't been able to afford putting siding on our house or doing the landscaping in either of our yards. It's all a balancing act. What we can do now vs. what we can't and what we need to do now vs. what we don't. It's funny when we really take a look around we realize how much we really have! We moved into an apartment together 5 years ago (this month) with next to nothing. No couches or living room furniture, no real bed for Zane, no bed for us (although it was at Jon's parents' house we didn't get it for several months), and we ate on the floor, cross-legged, and with Zane usually on one of our laps. For entertainment we'd put some music on the laptop and dance around the living room or we'd all do family yoga or we'd go for a walk or we'd play in the big field next to our place.
We've never "gone without" even when we really were, because we chose to not go without. We chose to live well under whatever circumstances we were in. We've been very blessed with people around us getting rid of furniture for free or very cheap and having wonderful people in our lives who have helped us along the way, even giving us nearly new carpet! We were blessed when Jon initially got his job, because prior to that we were both waiting tables. We are very blessed, indeed and I don't intend to downplay that at all. But, we NEVER chose to be lucky.
I worked for a couple of years after moving here and it was good fun and boy were we doing well financially. No worries for us. But, we realized that the kids NEEDED me at home. Zane was having big problems in school and Stori was colicky at day care. Jon and I were both exhausted and even though we'd looked at our budget many times before and saw NO WAY of it working, we decided it was what we needed to do. So, I quit my job. At the time, Jon made about 60% of our income while I made 40% that's a HUGE loss. But, it was even more of a gain.
Because zoning in on our kids while they're young and 100% dependent on us is more important *to us* than all of the other things in the world that we can get in 10, 15, or 20 years. Home improvements will never go away, nor will the supply of brand news cars, big, fancy tvs, or Blu-Ray players. But our childrens' youthfulness will.
I walk into other people's homes and often I feel envy. I see their things and I feel inadequate or less-than. I feel like I know who I will and will not invite to my home based solely on their environment. Because I don't want judgment held against me for being "poor", because I'm not poor. I'm just not invested in my things right now. One day, I'll have time and energy, and money, and interest in that but right now, I simply don't.
Not because I'm a better Mom than you. Not because you're a better Mom than me. Because we're different, that's all. There's nothing wrong with it at all, so please... Working Moms stop acting like we (stay home Moms) look down on you for working! WE DON'T! I think it's great that we women DO have a choice in the matter. But, I do get really, really offended when you look at us and tell us we're lucky while assuming that we are living the same way as you, but are doing it on one income. I guarantee you we are not. We are choosing this. You are choosing that. We're happy to help pick your kids up from school or watch them while you work late. We really are. Just, please, PLEASE stop belittling our choices and giving the power in what we do to our spouse's imaginary income.
Please.
AND... if you really do want to say home but really feel like you can't or that it'd be too hard, talk to us and trust us. Every stay home Mom that I know has made a big financial sacrifice to come home with her kids. Every. one. of. them. I know there are plenty out there who didn't, but if I have a pretty large network of Mommas and every one of them did, then you're definitely not alone.
This all comes back to feminism, which I used to really, really not like. Economics 101: A society's standard of living adjusts to what the people in the society deem appropriate. True story.
Prior to the feminist movement it was standard issue for a man to work and a woman to stay home and care for her family. Thus, the economy supported that. Home prices were valued proportionally to one-income families. So were groceries. Car prices. The whole works. Because that is how our society worked. Then, women said... screw you men, we want to work! So they started working. Now, our economy supports a society that has two-income families. Viola! It took a bit of time for the economy to catch up to the women working and that's why the housing boom was possible. Suddenly there was so much money that inflation hadn't yet caught up. Now, it's up to speed and people who live in homes where there are two working adults live "average" lives.
If you really want to stay home, do it. The money WILL come. The economy WILL catch up. And, really.. given the current state of affairs, now might just be a great time for us to revolutionize the American economy anyway. It's fluctuating and trying to straighten out; it's coming out of a very deep recession. There are people out of work already. Now, rather than debting ourselves with all the out-of-work chaos, we CAN transform as it rebuilds itself. It's true, I promise! IF YOU WANT to be at home and it is what your soul calls out to you then do it. You WILL figure it out and you WILL be okay and you CAN join us.
If you don't, then please stop telling us you want to and just own your stance. Please. I own my faded carpet. Please own your new car. Please.
Stop telling us we're lucky. We're only making different choices than you.
And there's NOTHING wrong with that if we can all own. our. choices.
I shook my head and it was my turn to cash out so I did my stuff and we said bye.
I wish this was a rare occurance. But, it's not. At all. I hear it all the time, even before we were home schooling, but just because I choose to be home with my kids. And you know what? I'm pissed off.
So, this is kind of a rant-ish post, k?
Firstly, I'm not lucky. I haven't bought a new pair of underwear in 2 friggin years. True fact. And every time I need to buy razor blades for shaving I cringe at the $9 JUST TO SHAVE MY LEGS! We're hardly swimming in money. Don't get me wrong, we're also not impoverished by any means, but what I'm getting at is that we choose this. Consciously and intentionally. A couple of months ago things were rough enough that I was looking for a PT job and I was looking hard. I decided, instead, to throw my heart and soul behind Rumptastic!! so I didn't lose focus.
Now, I'm pretty open, like I've talked about before. I'd be happy to share with you all exactly my husband's salary, but his work kinda' frowns on it. So, I can't. But, in the few circles that I have shared it (usually making my point as to why people need to quit assuming stay home Moms are in wealthy families) I A.L.W.A.Y.S. get a "Wow!" And, it's always a "Wow" that means... on *that* salary you make it work with a mortgage, 2 kids, 3 pets, and ZERO credit card debt (which is now no longer true as we did put something on them for the first time ever, but it's for Rumptastic!!, not for our every day living)!?!?
Yes, yes we do.
How?? Well, I get a new purse when mine breaks, not when it's no longer in style. We buy a lot of stuff used (and this month-everything!) and this is more for the environmental impact, but it sure does help out in the wallet division! I make food more than buying food. Ya' know... I buy ingredients then make meals, I don't buy meals in a box or meals in an envelope. When we need things for the house (like a toilet) we go to ReStore, again more for the environmental impact but a big saver as well. I don't "go to the hair dresser" but even if I did we'd definitely go somewhere like Great Clips. We don't have cable tv(although we mostly don't want to watch it anyway, what we do like we can get on Hulu).
Does this mean we go without? No way, Jose! Our bedrooms are all filled with things we need/want/use/used to use, as are our living rooms, but we haven't been able to afford putting siding on our house or doing the landscaping in either of our yards. It's all a balancing act. What we can do now vs. what we can't and what we need to do now vs. what we don't. It's funny when we really take a look around we realize how much we really have! We moved into an apartment together 5 years ago (this month) with next to nothing. No couches or living room furniture, no real bed for Zane, no bed for us (although it was at Jon's parents' house we didn't get it for several months), and we ate on the floor, cross-legged, and with Zane usually on one of our laps. For entertainment we'd put some music on the laptop and dance around the living room or we'd all do family yoga or we'd go for a walk or we'd play in the big field next to our place.
We've never "gone without" even when we really were, because we chose to not go without. We chose to live well under whatever circumstances we were in. We've been very blessed with people around us getting rid of furniture for free or very cheap and having wonderful people in our lives who have helped us along the way, even giving us nearly new carpet! We were blessed when Jon initially got his job, because prior to that we were both waiting tables. We are very blessed, indeed and I don't intend to downplay that at all. But, we NEVER chose to be lucky.
I worked for a couple of years after moving here and it was good fun and boy were we doing well financially. No worries for us. But, we realized that the kids NEEDED me at home. Zane was having big problems in school and Stori was colicky at day care. Jon and I were both exhausted and even though we'd looked at our budget many times before and saw NO WAY of it working, we decided it was what we needed to do. So, I quit my job. At the time, Jon made about 60% of our income while I made 40% that's a HUGE loss. But, it was even more of a gain.
Because zoning in on our kids while they're young and 100% dependent on us is more important *to us* than all of the other things in the world that we can get in 10, 15, or 20 years. Home improvements will never go away, nor will the supply of brand news cars, big, fancy tvs, or Blu-Ray players. But our childrens' youthfulness will.
I walk into other people's homes and often I feel envy. I see their things and I feel inadequate or less-than. I feel like I know who I will and will not invite to my home based solely on their environment. Because I don't want judgment held against me for being "poor", because I'm not poor. I'm just not invested in my things right now. One day, I'll have time and energy, and money, and interest in that but right now, I simply don't.
Not because I'm a better Mom than you. Not because you're a better Mom than me. Because we're different, that's all. There's nothing wrong with it at all, so please... Working Moms stop acting like we (stay home Moms) look down on you for working! WE DON'T! I think it's great that we women DO have a choice in the matter. But, I do get really, really offended when you look at us and tell us we're lucky while assuming that we are living the same way as you, but are doing it on one income. I guarantee you we are not. We are choosing this. You are choosing that. We're happy to help pick your kids up from school or watch them while you work late. We really are. Just, please, PLEASE stop belittling our choices and giving the power in what we do to our spouse's imaginary income.
Please.
AND... if you really do want to say home but really feel like you can't or that it'd be too hard, talk to us and trust us. Every stay home Mom that I know has made a big financial sacrifice to come home with her kids. Every. one. of. them. I know there are plenty out there who didn't, but if I have a pretty large network of Mommas and every one of them did, then you're definitely not alone.
This all comes back to feminism, which I used to really, really not like. Economics 101: A society's standard of living adjusts to what the people in the society deem appropriate. True story.
Prior to the feminist movement it was standard issue for a man to work and a woman to stay home and care for her family. Thus, the economy supported that. Home prices were valued proportionally to one-income families. So were groceries. Car prices. The whole works. Because that is how our society worked. Then, women said... screw you men, we want to work! So they started working. Now, our economy supports a society that has two-income families. Viola! It took a bit of time for the economy to catch up to the women working and that's why the housing boom was possible. Suddenly there was so much money that inflation hadn't yet caught up. Now, it's up to speed and people who live in homes where there are two working adults live "average" lives.
If you really want to stay home, do it. The money WILL come. The economy WILL catch up. And, really.. given the current state of affairs, now might just be a great time for us to revolutionize the American economy anyway. It's fluctuating and trying to straighten out; it's coming out of a very deep recession. There are people out of work already. Now, rather than debting ourselves with all the out-of-work chaos, we CAN transform as it rebuilds itself. It's true, I promise! IF YOU WANT to be at home and it is what your soul calls out to you then do it. You WILL figure it out and you WILL be okay and you CAN join us.
If you don't, then please stop telling us you want to and just own your stance. Please. I own my faded carpet. Please own your new car. Please.
Stop telling us we're lucky. We're only making different choices than you.
And there's NOTHING wrong with that if we can all own. our. choices.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
You get what you ask for
it's up to you whether or not you'll accept it and what value you put on it.
The other day, in preparation for this cleanse I asked my Visionary Moms for any advice they had for me. Again, this is my first time and I know at least one of them had done a cleanse before. She said to make sure I have a solid reason why I'm doing it and stick with it, because when it gets hard I have to have that reason to fall back on. My thought reaction to this, "Eh, it won't be that hard and I'm doing it cause...well, why not." and I left it at that.
So, tonight after dinner (lentil soup) the kids wanted to have some oatmeal as well. When I was mixing up that delicious honey and cinnamon with the warm gooeyness of oatmeal I lost my drive and ate a bit. Then, I had the leftover crackers on the table (half eaten and a little gooey from Stori). Then, I had a cookie. And another cookie. Then I said, well... that didn't work!
And you know what? I'm not upset with myself, or angry, or sad, or disappointed, or negatively self-fulfilled. I recognize it for what it was. Something that I can't say I was fully driven to do. Something I wasn't dedicated to. Something that just plain and simply didn't happen right now.
I also have an awesome week of meals planned out that I'm so stoked to try, 'cause they're almost all new to me, woot! But, I'm just not following the rules of the cleanse.
Sorry to disappoint, I know you were REALLY looking forward to seeing pictures of my poo. :-P
The other day, in preparation for this cleanse I asked my Visionary Moms for any advice they had for me. Again, this is my first time and I know at least one of them had done a cleanse before. She said to make sure I have a solid reason why I'm doing it and stick with it, because when it gets hard I have to have that reason to fall back on. My thought reaction to this, "Eh, it won't be that hard and I'm doing it cause...well, why not." and I left it at that.
So, tonight after dinner (lentil soup) the kids wanted to have some oatmeal as well. When I was mixing up that delicious honey and cinnamon with the warm gooeyness of oatmeal I lost my drive and ate a bit. Then, I had the leftover crackers on the table (half eaten and a little gooey from Stori). Then, I had a cookie. And another cookie. Then I said, well... that didn't work!
And you know what? I'm not upset with myself, or angry, or sad, or disappointed, or negatively self-fulfilled. I recognize it for what it was. Something that I can't say I was fully driven to do. Something I wasn't dedicated to. Something that just plain and simply didn't happen right now.
I also have an awesome week of meals planned out that I'm so stoked to try, 'cause they're almost all new to me, woot! But, I'm just not following the rules of the cleanse.
Sorry to disappoint, I know you were REALLY looking forward to seeing pictures of my poo. :-P
Fall Cleanse Day 1
I've heard a lot of people doing "cleanses" either by barely eating anything or taking lots of supplements, or eating only a strict cleansing regimen diet, or by ingesting nothing other than lemon and cayenne water, or... Ya know, lots of cleanses. Frankly, I've been intrigued since the first I heard of it. My whole life ebb and flows, it's the way I work. I do then I rest, I buy things then I purge them, I clean a lot then I don't, and on and on. So it only makes sense for me to do sporadic cleanses, yes?
So, I signed up to do this cleanse for the fall a couple of weeks ago and today it begins. The past several days I've been on the brink of downright panic over having no cookies, no breads, no pastas, no BACON. But, last night as my mind and my heart were preparing during slumber I dreamt of being done with my first day ad having found it was easy and felt good. I'm crossing my fingers it goes that well. :-)
I'm not going to tell you all of Hannah's secrets or instructions, because that's her information that she puts lots of hard work into and if you want to play, you ought to head over and sign up to play with us. But, because this is my first-ever cleanse I do want to share a bit. I intend to start my days before anyone else here in this casa and journal a bit about how it's going. Because I'm not certain what all to expect, physically. I'll be taking pictures of my face today, midway, and last day. I'll also be taking pictures of my poo. Mmhmm, I will be. I probably won't share any of my pictures here though, so not to worry. The only reason I might is if there's such an obvious and resounding difference in my skin or my beaming-full-happiness-and-joy level or if my poo takes an incredible journey toward beautiful poo. I think I might share what I'm eating, too, and my take on it all. I've spent an entire week looking up recipes of new things to try and by golly-cleansing or not-I think I've found some YUMMY stuff to eat! xx <--that's me crossing my fingers. Food is my vice, after all, and if I'm not enjoying it then there's just no point in life at all. :-P
I think the toughest thing will be seeing how the kiddos react to the meals. I do have plans to offer them each meal I make for myself and Jon, but won't be forcing them into it. If they find they're not satisfied then they'll have something different and that's okay. Although, this isn't one of those crazy insane cleanses I mentioned above and so it's perfectly healthy and fulfilling for all of us to eat I can definitely see the kids getting tired of the different, sometimes weird, but mostly just different food. Hopefully they'll be good sports about it, otherwise I'll be doing LOTS of cooking. :-/
Anyway, I'm off now to start my day and I'm looking forward to experiencing this week of honoring my body with GOOD food.
So, I signed up to do this cleanse for the fall a couple of weeks ago and today it begins. The past several days I've been on the brink of downright panic over having no cookies, no breads, no pastas, no BACON. But, last night as my mind and my heart were preparing during slumber I dreamt of being done with my first day ad having found it was easy and felt good. I'm crossing my fingers it goes that well. :-)
I'm not going to tell you all of Hannah's secrets or instructions, because that's her information that she puts lots of hard work into and if you want to play, you ought to head over and sign up to play with us. But, because this is my first-ever cleanse I do want to share a bit. I intend to start my days before anyone else here in this casa and journal a bit about how it's going. Because I'm not certain what all to expect, physically. I'll be taking pictures of my face today, midway, and last day. I'll also be taking pictures of my poo. Mmhmm, I will be. I probably won't share any of my pictures here though, so not to worry. The only reason I might is if there's such an obvious and resounding difference in my skin or my beaming-full-happiness-and-joy level or if my poo takes an incredible journey toward beautiful poo. I think I might share what I'm eating, too, and my take on it all. I've spent an entire week looking up recipes of new things to try and by golly-cleansing or not-I think I've found some YUMMY stuff to eat! xx <--that's me crossing my fingers. Food is my vice, after all, and if I'm not enjoying it then there's just no point in life at all. :-P
I think the toughest thing will be seeing how the kiddos react to the meals. I do have plans to offer them each meal I make for myself and Jon, but won't be forcing them into it. If they find they're not satisfied then they'll have something different and that's okay. Although, this isn't one of those crazy insane cleanses I mentioned above and so it's perfectly healthy and fulfilling for all of us to eat I can definitely see the kids getting tired of the different, sometimes weird, but mostly just different food. Hopefully they'll be good sports about it, otherwise I'll be doing LOTS of cooking. :-/
Anyway, I'm off now to start my day and I'm looking forward to experiencing this week of honoring my body with GOOD food.
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